The Letter

I still remember your cheap cherry lip gloss taste Drugstore eyeliner always smudged around your face We shared one charger Sony Ericsson light in the dark Wrote our names on frozen windows left our mark Your roommate cursed us out we laughed into the wall You told your mom I'm at the library that's all We were 19 we smoked Winstons on the fire escape Now I'm 30 and I know — we were just a shape I'm 30 now I drink alone most nights Not because I miss you — I just forgot what feeling right feels like But sometimes I still smell that cherry on the train And I'm back in the dorm knocking in the rain And I see your shadow in the crowd again! We were 19 we shared one bed we were never gonna end Now you sleep in someone else's city someone else's snow But memory never learned to let me go I can't love you I can't lose you Still waiting Still fading We learned to never call But I still know your voicemail code after all We graduated winter took trains to different coasts You cried at the station I acted like I didn't care the most We'll visit we'll write it's just a couple years Couple years became a decade became silence became fear I drink whiskey neat now — you liked it sweet I still hate the taste Three packs of Winstons a week my lungs don't care my chest aches I pass our old dorm sometimes they painted it beige 19-year-old ghosts still wait outside turning page after page I'm 30 now I quit most things in life Except the bourbon except the smoke except the 4 am knife I still wake up reaching for your side of the bed The ghost of your perfume on my skin again inside my head And I see your shadow in the crowd again! We were 19 we shared one bed we were never gonna end Now you sleep in someone else's city someone else's snow But memory never learned to let me go I can't love you I can't lose you Still waiting Still fading We learned to never call But I still know your voicemail code after all I don't even know if you still use that old email But if you do — I'm sorry I went silent I was trained to fail I still hate goodbyes I still love when it snows I still don't understand why the fuck you chose to go They say you only miss what you couldn't keep But you weren't mine to keep — you were my sleep Still waiting Still fading Still 19 Still breaking Still yours And I see your shadow in the crowd again We're not 19 anymore we were never invincible You have someone else's city I have someone else's winter But memory never learned to let me go I can't love you I can't lose you Still waiting Still fading We learned to never call But I still know your voicemail code after... after all Still waiting Still fading Still 19 Winston smoke in the january breeze Still yours