And everyone should get along Okay children, quiet down, quiet down Children, I'd like to introduce our new substitute teacher for the day His name is Mr. Shady Chidren, quiet down please Brian, don't throw that (shut up) Mr. Shady will be your new substitute while Mr. Kaniff is out with Pneumonia (he's got AIDS) Good luck Mr. Shady Hi there, little boys and girls (fuck you) Today we're going to learn how to poison squirrels But first I'd like you to meet my friend Bob (huh?) Say hi, Bob (Hi Bob) Bob's thirty and still lives with his mom He don't got a job cause Bob sits at home and smokes pot But his twelve year old brother looks up to him an awful lot And Bob likes to hang out at the local waffle spot And wait in the parking lot for waitresses off the clock When it's late and the lot gets dark and fake like he walks his dog Drag 'em in the woods and go straight to the chopping block (Ah) And even if they escaped and they got the cops The ladies would all be so afraid they would drop the charge Til one night Mrs. Stacey went off the job When she felt someone grab hold her whole face and said not to talk But Stacey knew it was Bob and said "Knock it off" But Bob wouldn't knock it off, cause he's crazy and off his rocker Crazier than Slim Shady is off the vodka You couldn't even take him to Dre's to get Bob a doctor He grabbed Stace' by the legs as he chopped it off her And dropped her off in the lake for the cops to find her But ever since the day Stacey went off to wander They never found her, and Bob still hangs at the waffle diner And that's the story of Bob and his marijuana And what it might do to you So see if the squirrels want any, it's bad for you See, children, drugs are bad (come on) And if you don't believe me, ask your dad (raise your hand) And if you don't believe him, ask your mom (that's right) She'll tell you how she does 'em all the time (she will) So kids say no to drugs (that's right) So you don't act like everyone else does (uh huh) Then there's really nothin' else to say (sing along) Drugs are just bad, m'kay? My penis is the size of a peanut, have you seen it? Fuck no you aint seen it, it's the size of a peanut (Huh?) Speakin' of peanuts, you know what else is bad for squirrels? Ectasy, it's the worst drug in the world If someone ever offers it to you, don't do it Kids, two hits'll probably drain all your spinal fluid And spinal fluid is final, you won't get it back So don't get attatched, it'll attack every bone in your back Meet Zach, twenty one years old After hanging out with some friends at a frat party, he gets bold And decides to try five when he's bribed by five guys And peer pressure will win every time you try to fight it Suddenly, he starts to convulse And his pulse goes into hyperdrive And his eyes roll back in his skull (blblblblblb) His back starts to, look like the McDonalds arches He's on Donald's carpet, layin' horizontal barfin' (Bleh) And everyone in the apartment starts laughin' at him "Hey Adam, Zach is a jackass, look at him!" Cause they took it too, so they think it's funny So they're laughing at basically nothing Except maybe wasting their money Meanwhile, Zach's in a coma, the action is over And his back and his shoulders hunched up like he's practicing yoga And that's the story of Zach "The Ecstasy maniac" So, don't even feed that to squirrels, class, cause it's bad for you See, children, drugs are bad (that's right) And if you don't believe me, ask your dad (that's right) And if you don't believe him, ask your mom (you can) She'll tell you how she does 'em all the time (she will) So kids say no to drugs (smoke crack) So you don't act like everyone else does (that's right) And there's really nothing else to say (But umm...) Drugs are just bad, m'kay? And last but not least One of the most humongous Problems among young people today is fungus It grows from cow manure They pick it out, wipe if off, bag it up And you put it right in your mouth and chew it Yum, yum And then you start to see some dumb stuff And everything slows down when you eat some of 'em And sometimes you see things that aren't there (like what?) Like fat women in G-strings with orange hair (Mr. Shady, what's a g-string?) It's yarn, Claire Women stick them up their behinds go out and wear 'em (Hu?) And if you swallow too much of the magic mushrooms Whoops, did I say magic mushrooms? I meant fungus Your tongue gets all swoll up like a cow's tongue (How come?) Cause it comes from a cow's dump (Gross!) See, drugs are bad, it's a common fact But your mom and dad know that's all that I'm good at (Oh!) But don't be me, cause if you grow up and go and OD They're gonna come for me, and I'm gonna have to grow a goatee And get a disguise and hide, cause it'll be my fault So don't drugs and do exactly as I don't, cause I'm bad for you See, children, drugs are bad (uh huh) And if you don't believe me, ask your dad (put that down) And if you don't believe him, ask your mom (you can ask) She'll tell you how she does 'em all the time (and she will) So kids say no to drugs (say no) So you don't act like everyone else does (like I do) And there's really nothing else to say (that's right) Drugs are just bad, m'kay? Come on children, clap along (Shut up!) Sing along, children, (Suck my motherfuckin dick!) come on, clap along Drugs are just bad, drugs are just bad (South Park is gonna sue me!) So don't do drugs (Suck my motherfuckin' ass!) So there'll be more for me (Hippie! God damnit!) (Mushrooms killed Kenny!...Ewww, ahhh!) (So, fucked up, right now)